Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
So what's the headcount gonna be for Thanksgiving?
Twelve ladies... and Scott.
- Scott? Ding-dong! - Oh.
Way to bury the lead, you whore.
It's just dinner.
No, ma'am, it is not "just dinner." Okay?
When one brings one's S.O. to a holiday dinner,
that signifies a serious commitment.
- I don't think so. - How long you guys been together?
Like six months or something?
- Has it been that long? - Yeah, it's been that long.
Now he's coming to Thanksgiving?
That's a serious fucking relationship, Maria.
Serious effing relationship, Maria.
Please don't fucking agree with me after I agree with you.
We've just been having fun.
Well, that's how it starts.
Don't freak out. Are you freaked out?
Don't freak out, because, Maria...
serious relationships are awesome.
- Mmm-hmm. - Right, Larissa?
Oh, I'm sorry. Fingers don't count. My bad.
What up? What up?
Hey!
Keith and Kenny,
the Lucas brothers.
- Hey. - Hey.
Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink. Clink
- And Kenny. - Clink.
- Oh, oh. - Clink.
Hey, Maria.
What's up with that YouTube video?
The one with me and Bert, we're singing songs.
- Nah. Not that one. - Mmm-mmm.
Blueberry and I in the tub?
- No pugs in this one. - Not one pug.
Well, then, I don't want to see it.
- You wanna see this. - No interest.
Okay.
Maria Bamford makes us bulletproof.
Bam, bam!
We cannot be killed. Maria Bamford.
Bam, bam!
- Bam, bam! - Is that me on a t-shirt?
- It's a bit, right? - It has to be
for a comedy tour or something, right?
- No. - You do know that it's trending, right?
All over social media.
For the record,
we don't agree with Oprah.
- Oh. - Yeah.
We don't think it's racist at all.
Oprah. Oh, my, Oprah.
Oh, my sweet Oprah.
Okay. I'm gonna straighten this out.
I'm gonna straighten this out.
I am VICI, Voice Initiated Child Identicate.
I am a small wonder.
No, no!
No, no, no!
You sound like a human being trying to be a robot.
Just be the goddamn robot!
Don't you be wasting my time!
Don't waste Summer's time!
Don't waste Austin's time. You understand me?
Do you want Mommy and Daddy to drive you back to Iowa,
so Daddy can go on sucking off truckers
and your mother can slop the pigs?
Do you? Do you?
Finally, the emotion we've been after all day.
Now turn it off, because you're a robot.
Bruce, I really need to talk to you. Oh, God.
Children.
Yes, my queen. Take five, you talentless twats.
You stink, get some deodorant.
So, how are you, my angel?
Well, not good. Have you seen the video?
The one where you're in the tub with the pugs?
Absolutely delightful.
No, this one.
Wait a second. Those are your t-shirts.
- Oh, my God. Oh... - Bam, bam!
Bruce, why are a bunch of child soldiers in South Sudan
wearing t-shirts with my face on them?
That is an excellent question, my Athenian goddess.
It's one I might call highly unusual
and strange in the utmost...
I am the face of a tween terrorist organization.
- Is that a pitch? - What? No. That is not a pitch.
I'm sorry. It's hard for me to turn it off.
I mean, this biz is so deep in my blood.
Hollywood High, class of Lindsay Wagner.
Bruce, isn't this the same exact t-shirt you pitched me?
My name on it with the words "Bam Bam"?
It is exceedingly odd. I do give you that.
And I also give you my solemn word that...
I will get to the very bottom of it.
Bruce, people are saying mean things about me on social media,
and perhaps more importantly... children are dying.
- Hey, it's Bam Bam. Bam, Bam, Bam! - I gotta go. Okay.
Worry not, my comedy chrysanthemum.
Consider this whole matter completely dealt with.
Bam, bam, bam, bam...
Really, Trevin?
You choose now to do some decent space work?
You unholy bastard. Back to one!
I can't believe I'm the face of a children's militia.
Don't worry about it. Bruce said he had it handled.
Exactly.
Hey, out of curiosity,
do you think Thanksgiving is fraught with meaning
in terms of interpersonal relationships?
Like a signpost, a marker, a milestone of commitment
vis-à-vis one person to another?
Fuck, no. It's just another day.
- Okay. - It's just another dead turkey.
Exactly. That is why this... this works.
Yes, exactly. Okay.
Oh, God.
What's this? Not another video.
Oh, God. Okay.
The "Bam Bam" Child Warriors are taking over significant parts of Northern Chad.
Despite significant efforts from UN Peacekeepers,
the Bam Bam Child Warriors press significantly forward,
expanding their already significant territorial powers.
Their political ideals as vacant as their political guru
and rumored significant financial backer,
Maria "Bam Bam" Bamford.
Financial backer?
It's just the BBC. Nobody takes them seriously.
Look, here's another one.
So, Maria Bamford is in the news this week.
Turns out she's sponsoring a group of child warriors in Africa.
Apparently, you have to be this tall to ride the war.
Oh, God. It's getting worse. There's another one.
The National Children's Spelling Bee is this weekend.
The winner gets a cash prize,
while the losers get to join Maria Bamford's child army.
Can you spell AK-47?
Oh, my God.
I'm getting a text here.
Oh, I hope it isn't about the Bam Bam Warriors.
Oh, no. It's from my buddy, Clark. "Congratulations, Daddy."
- Are you pregnant? - No, I'm 45. That would be unsafe.
- Wait, who told him I was pregnant? - You did, on Twitter.
Oh, social media, what hath thou wrought?
"Fighting is whack! Hashtag, blessed."
Now that...
- That is a great message. - I pretty much get on board with.
"I love children.
Even the brown ones.
I'm having one of my own. Hashtag, double blessed."
- Okay, I did not write that. - Was it Blueberry?
No, I made sure that she has no access to devices.
There's no one who has the password...
God damn it, Bruce!
Bruce, what is going on...
here?
I'm method tweeting. As you. Situation well in hand.
I also happen to be auditioning
for the Venice Beach Outreach Theater's production of Tootsie.
Bruce, this is the plan... that you tell everybody I'm pregnant?
Yes. It's called a relatable narrative.
First, you get all the sympathy, and then wham-o,
you let your hero or your heroine have it.
Bruce, you've got to stop this.
Don't worry, you're going to lose the baby
after a very vigorous horseback riding excursion.
Hashtag, Red Saddle.
Jeez, Bruce, that's dark.
Oh, no. Red Saddle is the name of the ranch.
You thought I meant... Oh. God, no.
Bruce... this is really freaking me out!
Listen, I have some fantastic news,
which I've withheld for dramatic value.
Turns out Kimmel wants you to do the show tomorrow.
Kimmel? Me? The day before Thanksgiving?
Yes to all three. So, what do you say, my sweet?
Are you ready for the big time?
Yes, but are they gonna make fun of me?
Well, maybe. I mean, it's possible, but you can handle this.
I mean, you're a powerful woman, right?
Things were going a lot better with my best friend, Susan.
I even convinced her to let her husband, Paul,
go on a nature retreat with my favorite therapist
from the psych center, Bear Claw.
So what time is Paul coming home?
Oh, who the heck knows?
Two weeks in a spirit ditch with your Indian friend, Bear Claw.
You'd think he could call or text me just once.
Well, there probably isn't service in the spirit hole.
He's not gonna get service in this hole, unless he gives me a call.
Well... I'm proud of you, that you let Paul go on that nature retreat.
I did it to teach him a lesson. He's gonna hate it.
You know, he's not the only one that's exploring their creative side.
- Oh. - I had that awesome directing gig,
recently, and I really got bit by the art bug.
So, I'm secretly taking stand-up workshop down at the community college.
So...
I don't... I don't mean to steal your spotlight, you know,
your thunder from down under.
You wanna check it?
- Yeah, yeah. That's... - All right.
Welcome, Susan Beeber!
I'm usually a lawyer. But I'm also a mother.
And I find time to do charity work on the side.
Also... Oh, I was...
I was so popular in high school,
and I'm still popular now, with the people that I work with.
That's what I got so far.
- Okay. - Okay?
I basically just pulled my pants down for you
and show you my comedy spot, and you just diarrhea-ed all over me.
Why can't you just support me?
- I do support you... - God, you're so jealous.
- No, I'm not. - You're... You're so jealous.
- Jealous. - I am not jealous.
Boom! You're also... You're jealous of Paul and I, too.
- Uh-huh. Ow. Oh, yeah. - I am not at all jealous of you and Paul.
- Jealous. - No.
I don't want what you guys have at all.
It's weird. You want him to be sad.
That's weird.
Do you know why, Maria?
I'm sad.
Okay, happy? You get to go off... and, like, chase your dreams.
And I'm here, married to a guy that I don't even love anymore.
Jealous of my honesty?
Girls.
- Wow. - Uh-oh. Did I walk into a fight zone?
I was just gonna go.
Susan, don't go.
Oh, God.
Hello.
Yeah, this is she.
Oh, my God.
- What's wrong? - Paul's dead.
- What? - Oh, my God.
I just can't believe I'm never gonna see him again.
And I didn't think I loved him anymore, but I do.
- Oh, sweetie. - I just...
I got so bogged down, you know, with the kids and the dogs,
and my ridiculously successful law job.
The Lexus.
- Yes. - Oh, God. Paul.
Paul!
- Yeah? - Paul!
- Oh, my God. Paul! - Hi.
- Oh, God. You're alive. - Wow.
That's what I call a welcome home.
I was just driving home and I saw your car parked out front.
The Lexus.
- We thought you were dead. - Yes.
I'm definitely not dead.
I did lose my wallet crossing the river...
...during my...
during my past life soak regression.
- Susan, here's the thing, okay? - Yes.
Okay... during those two weeks that I was in the spirit hole,
listening to Bear Claw chant,
I never felt more alive.
And now that you're back,
I've never felt more alive.
- Paul, I gotta tell you something. - Okay, me first.
- Okay. - Me first.
Bear Claw woke up my soul.
He said that I should really go for it in life.
- I'm gonna go for it. - Oh, God.
I feel the same way.
Bear Claw and I are in love, and we're gonna move in together.
He's got an adorable cabin in Fond du Lac.
- Uh-oh. - I'm finally living my truth.
- Oh. - I have Maria to thank for it.
Oh, no.
Oh!
Here's how this is gonna go.
You're not moving into anybody's adorable cabin,
and if you ever want to see your kids again,
you will only see Bear Claw in the summer and we will never speak of this again.
I knew you would like Bear Claw.
Yeah, he's great.
How about some cheese?
That's a good idea. I'm gonna... Cheese.
I'm... I'm gonna get some.
To be honest, I thought this was the other Kimmel show.
You mean my sister Wendy's podcast?
Good luck. They're booked through next year.
And we're back!
Thank you Santa Clarita Wildcats' very own number-one DJ,
Jason T. Good work, Jason.
I wouldn't call it work.
Good one. So, Maria.
Don't get any ideas about this crew of mine.
Hey, kids, if she tries to hand you a t-shirt, run.
Bam Bam!
Actually, Ginny, if I could say something about that...
And before you do, I would just like to say something.
We are so sorry about your miscarriage.
Horseback riding. God damn it.
I'd also like to say something about that.
My mom had a miscarriage.
Aw...
- But I made it. - Just barely.
And we're back to laughing...
...which is so important.
First of all, I need to say that I have no idea
where those t-shirts came from, and I had nothing to do with it.
Well, the journalism club at Santa Clarita Junior High did a little digging...
and they traced an invoice and a work order
back to your very own manager, Bruce Ben-Bacharach.
What?
Come on up here, Bruce.
Me?
Get up here.
According to the International Exploited Workers Club at Santa Clarita High...
Bruce ordered over 10,000 Bam Bam t-shirts
from a sweatshop in Honduras.
Upon sensing that you were less than enthusiastic,
he then sent them overnight to Africa.
Bruce, is that true?
No, not at all. This is lies, prevarications, hearsay. That's all.
Not according to the After School Gumshoe Club...
led by Chantrelle's son, M'orell Thompson.
Chantrelle! You leaky faucet!
- Fine. I'm fine. - Take it easy.
Bruce! God damn it. How could you lie to me?
Maria, you didn't want the truth.
I specifically asked for the truth.
I'm sorry. I... I fudged up.
I just wanted to make some scratch from some merch.
But it seemed like you didn't cotton to the whole Bam Bam t-shirt idea.
Pun intended.
So I sent them off to the dark continent,
where they were intercepted by some warriors,
never even got my tax credit,
and now, they're in those tiny, murderous hands.
My queen... I shall throw myself upon my own sword.
As of this moment, I hereby fire myself.
Oh.
Uh, Bruce. Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce.
I don't accept your self-firing.
Everybody makes mistakes.
I heard that.
Thank you so much.
- Your graciousness, your generosity... - Okay. Yes.
- ...your elegance, your... your grace. - Okay.
Well, you know, we're in this together. Let's...
We'll put this behind us. We're a team.
You okay? I forgive you and just never lie to me again.
No, ma'am. Never again.
- Lover. Mother. - Okay. All right.
- Angel. Sister. - Yes.
Princess. Queen...
Khaleesi.
Come back after the break to find out if Bruce is the father.
That was great, you guys. We're gonna fake the DNA results.
You're not the father, so just look relieved.
Okay.
Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark...
Checklist.
Cut, cut, cut!
Wow! Well, apparently Patches isn't the only thing to take a big giant shit
on set this morning.
I'm so sorry.
I'm on new medication. It just makes me sleepy.
Oh, yeah? New medication may make you sleepy, is that right?
Well, I have a prescription for you. It's called trucker speed.
Talk to Eddy in props. God!
Sorry. I just...
It's got some side effects that just...
Surprise! It's me.
- With roses. - Graham...
What are you doing here?
I got off early from set,
and so I thought I'd swing by and say hello to my number-one girl.
Oh, nice. That's funny.
You okay?
Yeah, it's just... I'm just a little sleepy. I just...
What is that?
Oh, these are... It's meds for manic depression.
I have bipolar II. I've been meaning to tell you.
You know how you love my wild energy.
It's because I've been hypomanic.
But I love you.
I love you so much that I'm gonna take care of myself.
I'm gonna take my meds.
You know what I mean, 'cause your mom had depression.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Completely. You know.
- And you didn't get it. That was weird. - Um...
Yeah, uh...
I cannot do this. I'm out. We're over.
We're over? Why?
I spent most of my childhood taking care of my mom and her depression.
I'm not gonna do that again. I can't.
Well, I'm not your mother in so many ways.
Two of them sexual.
Can't we fight about this at least?
- I may be a stuntman, but I don't fight. - Oh...
Once you fight once in a relationship, it's over.
- I'm just saving us the trouble. - That doesn't seem right.
Look, kid, we had a good run. No hard feelings?
Mail me back the ring when you get a chance.
Oh, Graham, no...
Oh, Graham...
I let the Pitchapalooza shit show go,
because I figured you were going full lez,
but this is where you start hurting me.
And that's when these Loubs go straight up your ass.
What happened today?
I know. I... was off.
- Just... Graham left and... - You know what? Fuck Graham!
I can get you a million Grahams!
A gram of coke. I want a gram of meth.
I can get you your own dead grandma. I will dig her sorry bitch-ass up.
Um... I need to tell you something.
I have mental problems.
No shit, Sherlock!
96% of SAG is mentally ill.
I represented most of the cast of Mamma Mia.
There's a reason that there's a shovel and bleach
in the trunk of my car.
They're gonna give you another chance at the fucking Checklist commercial.
And I need to see more energy coming from you.
I'm not telling you to go off your medication.
All I'm saying is, you need to get yourself in...
performance shape.
Yeah, well, I have a lot more energy when I'm off medication.
But I'm also highly unstable.
All of the greats are unstable.
You're having a moment, Maria, okay?
Are you gonna throw that away for something as trivial as your health?
No, I'm not.
It's just I'm... so sad about Graham.
Fuck Graham right in the motherfucking face.
You will be sleeping with an Oscar winner, to be named later,
by 4:00 p.m. tomorrow
who will fuck the name "Graham" out of your memory bank.
Sing with me...
♪ Cradle the balls ♪
♪ And work the shaft ♪
♪ I cradle the balls and work the shaft ♪
♪ I cradle the balls and work the... ♪
Jesus fucking Christ, Maria. You used to love that song.
I do. I do. I love it.
- Go home. Get off these fucking drugs! - Okay. Yeah.
- Where the fuck are you? - You're right.
- You're right, Karen Grisham. - Wake up.
Thank you so much.
Good morning, Blossom.
I love you so much. Good morning, Bert.
I love you so much.
You guys, Karen Grisham was right.
I do feel better now that I'm off my meds.
I feel super-charged!
I'm not even thinking about Graham.
I'm pushing down my feelings. Thanks to you guys.
♪ I don't need drugs ♪
♪ 'Cause I got pug-hugs ♪
Hup-hup! Hup-hup! Hup-hup!
Hup-hup! Hup-hup!
Blossom! It's almost your birthday, Blossom.
Eighteen. You're almost barely legal.
Don't look in the fridge, because there's a secret in there.
And don't forget that we have our ladies' spa day.
You and me in the sink, together. Okay?
Happy birthday, Blossom.
I'll see you later. Bye-bye. Bye, I love you.
See you soon, guys!
Don't you love shopping for dog supplies at Checklist?
Me, too.
Squeakers.
Dog blankets.
Rawhide! Rawhide!
Rawhide!
Dogs! Puppy mills are a-okay.
Get it in your head. You want a purebred.
From Checklist!
♪ Don't be a mook and buy a pug From the friendly hug next door ♪
♪ Take 'em on a walk Through the park or zoo ♪
♪ And then you'll have a friend with you ♪
♪ Your huggable, luggable Stick 'em in a juggable ♪
♪ Patches Buggle-dy Boo! ♪
Checklist! Your cradle-to-grave store.
We now have dogs! Woof!
Cut!
- Wow! - Whoo!
Maria, punch me in my dick.
No, no. Whoa!
I owe you a huge apology.
Listen, I have said some things about you
in the past few days...
- Oh, okay. - ...on the sets of other productions,
in the trades, Twitter, Instagram,
LinkedIn...
And now, this. Redemption!
All I can say is
- from the bottom of my heart... - Yeah?
- Namaste. - Okay.
You are here to stay.
Everyone, you guys have been so sweet to me.
I just wanna, in return, be sweet to you.
It might be Tuesday, but you're all getting sundaes!
Are you kidding me?
There's an ice cream truck outside right now!
Whoo!
Banana split!
Where are my babies? Happy birthday to my favorite 18-year-old pug!
Bertie, you want ice cream?
I got some ice cream.
Bert, why are you crying?
Blossom! No...
The Pamulox.
Blossom, wake up! Wake up!
- Wake up! - She's gone, Maria.
She only ate one half of one pill.
But her 18-year-old heart couldn't take it.
I, myself, consumed 21 pills.
But worry not, I have the constitution of a Friends-Season-7-era Matthew Perry.
Would you like to know Blossom's final words?
Yes.
She said, "Tell Maria I peeked in the fridge,
and it was the best dog cake I ever... "
She died right then.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so... I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Relationships are hard.
As soon as you enter one, you open yourself up to loss.
But I had a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I had a new boyfriend and he was meeting all my friends.
And it was horrible.
Well, Maria, I thought you were great on Ginny Kimmle's show.
And they say women can't be funny.
It wasn't funny, really.
Okay, don't be a self-hating woman.
- No. I think I'm funny. - You're very funny.
Hey! Hey. You like laughing?
Uh...
Okay. Come on. Come on.
You know, Maria, listen, I can't believe you didn't shitcan Bruce.
You know, he fucked you.
He fucked you so fucking hard. He fucked you right in your face.
He fucked you right in your fucking eye socket.
- Man, he fucked you. - Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Well, I'm just trying to have a little compassion.
I've been doing some research on those goddamn child armies.
You know what they do?
They take the kids out of school, they kidnap 'em,
they get 'em all hooked up on smack, right?
They give 'em a gun and then, boom! It's off to the fucking races. That's it.
Well, I have to say, it looks like they're having a ball.
- Oh, Jesus Christ. - I mean, they don't have ballet
- or soccer over there. - Mmm-hmm.
It's better than them playing video games two hours a day.
Is it?
Hey, look at this. Reverse smoker.
Oh, Scott! Come on, no.
Reverse vaping.
Scott...
"I can, you know... I can do this anywhere.
In the movie theater. Can't smell a thing."
Scott, Scott. Stop, stop, stop.
I just want you to know that I do not in any way support child militias.
And I am not supporting this child army.
- Well, I heard you gave them money. - I heard you got money from them.
Both of you are wrong!
Well, that's philosophically impossible.
One of us has to be right.
That is not true at all.
Okay, listen, Maria, we love you.
We just want you to know that that will stand, okay?
Even if your political beliefs differ from ours.
I think it's kinda cool, you know, that you support those kids over there,
because, like, nobody else gives a shit about 'em. That's for sure.
I do not support those kids!
And I don't like being poked!
Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna go...
pick up some of the plates. Just take 'em out...
Yeah, I'll help.
♪ Scraping plates with my lady ♪
♪ Brush off potatoes and some gravy ♪
♪ I'm wearing cargo pants from Old Navy ♪
Hey!
How's this?
Is this clean enough?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Okay. - Hey.
Hey.
Maria.
When life gets overwhelming,
it's the ones closest to you that suffer the most.
Maria.
- What did I do wrong? - Okay, no...
Did I piss you off or something?
- No. - Are you gonna break up with me?
Okay. Well, I...
Yes, Scott, it's... it's over.
Why?
Scott, I have very good reasons.
Well, can you tell me what that is?
Well, if I tell you, then... then we'll fight,
and if we fight, then...
it's over and... I'm just saving us the trouble.
So... it's over.
We had a good run... kid.
♪ I don't know what I'm doing ♪
♪ More than half of the time ♪